It's happened. Worst fears and wildest dreams look like becoming a reality!

I arrived home from a rather pleasant day at the office - or rather half a day at my office, which was a bit manic given that I had to plough through 2 days-worth of e-mails,messages, voice-mail and post. That took up most of the morning leaving me time enough to whip out 5 tapes for my secretaries - good job the transcribe machine slows me down, I was like Peggy Babcock!

Then off to one of our satelllites to hold the fort whilst the Main man was away. I was late, of course, so my first client was already waiting. He had a cup of tea so he was happy enough. Life seems so much more relaxed out in the suburbs. A few more chilled clients down, a bit of new business and I was presented with a glass of wine. Now why don't my staff do that? It would calm me down so much more!

There was no phone on my desk and the rather antiquated, ear-wax becaked(! I swear to god! How does he do that?) dictaphone sitting there didn't inspire me to work! I pushed a few files around, rearranged the desk-toys into a much more auspicious setting and then went downstairs for a gossip whilst I finished my wine. Lovely!

And then home for the bombshell! They've put a reserve on a Villa! That can only mean 2 things!

1. My stepfather is moving permanently abroad within the next few years! Hoorah!

2. He's going to sell the house and I'm going to have to buy my own! Boo Hoo! The B*****d chose the very point that the economy and house prices are on the turn. The loathing is clearly mutual.

I did a very grown-up thing at the weekend. I bought Steak. I know, how has a gourmet such as I made it to 33 and never bought proper meat? I blame my 12 years as a Veggie, it sort of conditioned me to go for safe stuff that doesn't ooze blood and never really looks like it had a life outside its plastic wrapper.

But you can't make an omelette without breaking eggs - and I can't cook steak without it looking as if it might moo at any minute. Rachel and Callum were very appreciative and made lots of cooing noises (probably to drown out the mooing they feared might come from their plates at any minute). By 11pm I was shattered. There's only so much cooking and Monopoly playing a weary girl can take!

I decided to snuggle into the last few pages of my book and before I knew it, it was almost 3am. Boy! It was a good book - Vernon God Little - I recommend it.

I was bored on Sunday - the sun was shining, the wind had dropped, the house was tidy (Rachel had very kindly done the washing-up before she left). I fancied a romantic walk in the woods, kicking leaves, discovering interesting fungi, and generally cultivating a rosy glow about my cheeks - I lay on the sofa with the Sunday crossword 'til the desire ebbed away and I dozed until dusk. I know Rosa would have appreciated the walk and would probably have rewarded me with a huge smacker on the lips - she does that anyway - but a 12 stone dog isn't really the companion I had in mind.

So this morning I left 6 teenagers, 2 girls 4 boys, sleeping in as I left for work. They had been very well-behaved and I think they'd appreciated the Serrano-wrapped Asparagus I'd taken through for supper, against Jack's protests - he was worried his mates would think I was pretentious when the rest of the mums just throw bags of crisps at them. They didn't burn the house down - which was a relief, I had noticed Jack wielding an axe and carrying firewood into his Gramma's lounge last night. And they appeared to have slept seperately - at least jack was in his own bed alone when I kissed him goodbye this morning.

So I'm so busy this week, I doubt I'll have time to notice that Cute hasn't called the minute his plane has touched down. Dinner with Gayle tonight, breakfast meeting tomorrow,rock-climbing tomorrow night, rugby Wed, trying to think of something terribly exciting for Thurs, party that I will probably not go to on Friday, party that I have said I definitely will go to Saturday, sleeping on Sunday. I haven't included the time I'll be spending doing my own more-than-full-time job, covering for the Probate department and keeping one of the satellite offices afloat, all when I was supposed to have a week off. Yawn! Boo Hoo!

I want a cuddle!

I am still suffering from Wednesday night. Being seen out in public dressed as a bouncy castle leaves scars that do not disappear over night. What is it with padded clothing?

I did not suffer any lasting effects from the skiing experience - I even managed to stay upright for most of the class, that was until I got bored, tired and potentially emotional, and I used the "Safe Word" and unclipped my plastic-bound feet. Skiing would be great if you could sit down in between kamikazi missions, but to have to stand in 8" of unforgiving hard plastic in freezing conditions with thighs that are about to rigamortose is not my idea of a great midweek outing.

I thought we'd suffered the worst when we left the Piste and went in search of food - I never thought about turning the headlights off as we sat, still in shock, ruminating our awful KFC meal recently thrusted at us by a rather bad-mannered fuck-wit, Big Mistake! I was forgetting my rather temperamental battery.

A few pushes from my Olympian friends and we were happily motoring along the M62 with no fuel. I know my car and trust it, a single mum who has experienced dire straits at the end of many a month knows just how far she can go without assistance - that night I was tired, wet, pre-menstrual and nicotine-free, my passengers are not aware of how lucky they are to be alive now to read this, needless to say I filled my tank as Softly emptied hers, thus pacifying the Martian sitting in the back.

Next morning, or rather the middle of that night, I arrived at my breakfast meeting - first there! and no f***er else to witness it!!!! and the week has generally ground down from there.

Summary of today - 3 completions - 1st - laid-back-able-assistant has sent all the stuff that I gave her on Monday to be sent as a a matter of extreme urgency to the Lender.... yesterday!!! major lender refuses to look at it til next Monday! I speak to concerned client to appease, he just worries the Winnebago he's put a down-payment on will dematerialise over the weekend:

2nd - another major lender sends mortgage advance 4k short - every mortgage broker and his dog tries to phone every 2 mins to sort it out, whilst clients sob in waiting room and I get bothered every 1.5 mins to try and sort it out just as the Office Manager turns up with a couple of blokes with a trolley to move me and my 500 files to my new office - I make a few aggressive calls and then unhook my phone and allow my working life to be transported.

3rd - patronising irritating Southern estate agent leaves the 28th message of the day - no! It's not exchanged! The file is somewhere in that pile! The filing cabinet in which it belongs is somewhere in that room - the secretary who is responsible for filing said file in said filing cabinet is fetching a cheque from former major lender for former major client!

I plug my phone in and listen to my voicemail - "Your Message Box is full - you should delete some messages". They don't give me an option to delete all the flipping messages without listening to them so I listen to 30! I want the following options added to my service:-

1. To delete a whingeing client, Press 1

2. to delete Reception calling you to tell you you have a whingeing client, press 2

3. To delete Reception, press 3

4. To change career and be redirected to Tesco, press 4

5. When you have lost the will to live, Press 5!

I miss my secretary. She's taking a well-earned rest, she'll need it for all the work I have piled up for her on her return.

It's not just the typing I'm missing - I haven't had more than 1 cup of coffee a day for over a week, the one I make myself when I first arrive. No-one else bothers to ask, no-one else hears how hoarse I get from talking on the phone or to clients all day long, no-one else realises how hard I work! no-one else waters my plants!

I have hopefully rescued my Pepper plant from near-death - it looked dreadful when I started the week out but now it has rejuvenated and is even throwing out new buds! Jacquie will be so proud, and more to the point, won't tell me off! In fact, I hope she won't even notice, which will be a silent brownie point to me!

So far my week has been one curious stew of work, clients, calendar production, raffle prizes, broken washing machines and bereavement clients - the latter have the only legitimate call on my time - the rest should be grateful for what they have received and be truly thankful! All comes to those that wait - and my bladder has now waited long enough, so.......

Boy! Was my heart pounding at 4am this morning! No - Cute hasn't suddenly returned with a case-load of Viagra! My doorbell has decided it wants to wake me from my slumberings instead!

I was vaguely aware of a short sharp buzz permeating my dreaming - it became a reality pretty quickly but was still a very quick buzz. I lay there for a while wondering if I really had heard it or whether my overactive imagination was playing games with me.

Then it went again, this time for an average length of time - the other, earlier rings could be discounted as mere pulses - albeit spaced about 3 minutes apart - I was awake and taking notice. When it happened again, a normal type of ring, I was a bit concerned, enough so that I tried to phone my Mum - the line was engaged! I started to wish I hadn't watched those trailers for Horror movies on the last DVD I hired - then -- FUCK ME!!!

It just went on and on and on and on .......... I was terrified! What could I do? I couldn't call Mum. I couldn't look in case there was someone there - or worse, no-one there! I had no option. I had to leg it out of my room, hoping whoever or whatever wouldn't see me as I quickly darted across the hallway and risked life and limb circumnavigating 2-years-worth of Jack's discarded sports equipment.

Mum's hall light was on and thankfully, she woke pretty quickly when I tapped on her open bedroom door and calmly explained that my doorbell was going berserk. She just as rapidly turfed John from his middle-of-the-night-Cyber-antics and sent him to discover the reason for my untimely disturbance whilst offering me a cup of coffee. I declined the caffeine, I was going to have a hard enough time of it getting back to sleep as it was!

It appears I have a dodgy connection on my doorbell wiring. What a relief! But the real trauma was seeing StepMonster at 4.30am in his greying Y-fronts and a vest! How will I ever find peace again?

It's a miracle that Jack and I even made it to watch the match this morning (he's still a bit bronchial from his chest infection and although willing, nay eager to play, he was excused this week) made even more so from the fact that I apparently won the raffle! I celebrated by opting to defer Jack's torture of a Fungus Forage and take him instead to the flicks - LayerCake is good but a bit violent - I did enjoy it, but I confess to covering my eyes in parts - never when the delectable Danny Craig was part of the buffet though.

Jack is slowly beginning to accept that I do have taste when it comes to choosing movies - Hooray! No more Scorpion King-esque rubbish! He can watch Blade 3 with his mates.

Yaaaaawwnnnn! Is it Friday already? The week has passed in a blur of breakfast meetings - up at 5 on both Wednesday and Thursday - I was also invited along to another this morning but I declined and had a lay-in instead. Jack was poorly so I stuck a Kool'n'Soothe on his forehead, slammed some toast in his mouth and rang work to say I'd be late.

I arrived in the office to be met with a tearful receptionist - I did the concerned compassionate bit - it paid off - I had 2 swears within half an hour. Lunch money for next week! It didn't stop them putting all the nutters or hard to understand people through to me - but then if you have a gift!

I also managed to weave a bit of schmoozing into my day and have 3 mad fools aka guests to join me at dawn next week - and I even managed to blag some cool raffle prizes for my charity ball next month.

In summary - good but long tiring week - Cute who?

I spent Saturday in crisis, not helped by the fact that as I drove Jack to his paintballing, I passed Cute sitting at the traffic lights on the way into the office. I hadn't put any make-up on but fortunately, had donned my Jackie-O sunglasses.

I popped to see Paul and Candice and had a cuddle with ickle baby Michael. At least one young man seemed delighted to see me and flirted with me outrageously. Then feeling a bit glum, I took the ridiculous step of calling round to see Marko. He has the ability to piss me off when I'm in the best of moods so when I'm feeling distinctly miserable this is tantamount to self-harm!

We actually had quite a pleasant day - pub lunch, bit of shopping, I even measured for new curtains and flooring in my entrance porch. I didn't buy anything as I have finally realised that retail therapy is only a temporary fix and ultimately causes more damage - I'm cured! Hallelujah!

I received unprecedented attention from the new Club President this morning - very surprising and not entirely welcomed but reassuring that I'm not hideously repulsive to all the male species. Rachel called to invite me to meet them for lunch, which I did, although as I'd indulged in a Full English as soon as I'd got to the Club, I just had a Diet Coke. They came back for a cup of tea and continued to apply a calming salve to my tender ego.

Finally I switched on my PC intending to pour my pitiful heart out on here. And there it was - shining like a beacon - an email from Cute - Hallelujah! Praise be to the Lord! My frown, headache and craving for Minstrels have all disappeared. I am now involuntarily practising my symmetrical twirling.

The term self-starter has been attributed to me in the past. I think self-ender could apply equally as well occasionally.

I've basically got impatient at the speed that whatever is going on with Cute is going on. I've taken dramatic action! I've emailed him.

I started off by stating how good it was to see him last night - it was, I enjoyed it, I really like him. I've then pointed out that it's his turn to come up with some suggestions for things to do. I'm sure he's capable of coming up with them himself but I'm concerned he's waiting for me to hit the 50-club before he thinks I'll be interested. I've been helpful, I've given him a list of examples to start from - Scrabble, crossword, cup of tea, large glass of wine, dvd and comfy sofa, dancing, movies etc.

I've also shown my patient side. I've told him not to feel any pressure to suggest something immediately. I've tempered that with the warning that if I start to worry that he's not come up with anything within what I would consider to be a reasonable time, I may well resort to the nipple tassle and feather boa routine! I meant that as a joke, so I'm going to stay off red wine for the foreseeable future to ensure it remains so and does not lead to a court injunction against me.

I've achieved a lot today, but then having been up since 5am one would expect it! I woke up before my alarm! It was a bit odd really- I was suddenly wide awake, bang on 5am, lying on my back with the strange sensation that someone had just flicked my front tooth - the Crown! the one I have nightmares about losing. I swear I could feel the actual ping as if someone had just tapped it with a metal object! Anyway.........

I was up, showered, dressed and on the road for 6.06am. It was dark and could have made me feel miserable, but I'd taken the precaution of wearing my Gucci's and a new winter kilt with nail polish to match the fuschia running through it and a matching top. I felt remarkably good for that time of day.

The meeting went well - I had a few referrals which isn't bad considering we're not officially established yet. The day then passed in a whirr, countless phone-calls, many uncharacteristically unanswered, far too many clients, a departmental meeting the main focus of which was our new swanky Smartboard, the disturbing Risk Management issues a mere aside, more clients, more unreturned phone calls, 2 voicemail messages from Cute's secretary! and I'm convinced he hates me!

I agonise for a good(? bad) 5 minutes, and discuss it with Andrea, who I'm sure would much rather have known her lawyer had her mind on the job, given that I was handling her sale today, decide to just leave it and see what if anything happens, and then email him a "Come for Supper or be abducted by Aliens! You choose!" message.

I've read The Rules - I've even had them read to me for 3 hours after a particularly upsetting episode where I had clearly broken every one so no wonder he'd dumped me! so I knew I was committing relationship suicide. Bugger me! He accepted!

I did the natural thing and dashed home, via yet more dreary flesh-pressing with weary estate agents and Tesco - prepared dinner, arranged some lillies, hoovered ( there was a power-cut whilst Angel Features was here today so she's excused), changed the bedding ( a hopelessly optimistic effort), collected Jack and his new prized Paintball hopper, threw a shower-head over me and remarkably answered the doorbell with a smile and make-up on my face, newly painted nails and wine chilled!

I'd set some expensive scented candles burning to disguise the slight hint of burnt dinner. I might have got away with it coupled with the dim lighting had Jack not drawn deliberate attention to the obvious charred appearance at the bottom of the pan. He was either too hungry/tired/scared or far too polite to leave anything. I ate next to nothing, mainly because I'm well brought-up and don't speak with my mouth full, I chose to talk a lot.

Consequently, I'm in a better mood. It will probably be short-lived, we have no subsequent date set so I thoroughly anticipate going through this whole trauma again in a week's time, but I guess I'll just have to get my bossy breaches on again and back him into a corner again.
Oh!

And Eva's flat sold today - what a non-event after all the efforts to buy it in the first place - that was hell - I must blog about it one day soon when I have no other delights or disappointments to dwell on - I called her to tell her and it was like water off a duck's back - this marriage lark is having a much more character-reassigning effect than drugs ever did!

Jesus! I've been awake and very very active( sheet changing was not necessary with hindsight but welcomed now) for 20 hours - and it all starts again in 6!

I watched a programme on the telly tonight where a woman basically said everything there is to summarise me - we can appear to be having a hugely successful life and everyone can think we are really sorted but it can be one slight comment or perceived rejection and we are in a flat spin!

Ok - so the script-writer put it more succinctly but it hit home. I'm doing great, I am great, my life is one long charm, but I don't feel so great- at least not today - or this week even.

I should - I have a healthy son, bank-balance and the scales are going down - I even toyed with a Chinese tonight but settled on Mackerel on toast - but He hasn't called!!!!

I can think of numerous reasons why he hasn't, but they would all be excuses. If he was that bothered he'd have phoned. I can think of hundreds of reasons why he hasn't - none of them rational - well perhaps my thighs are too large, my tits too wobbly, and my gob too loud - I knew I shouldn't have worn that dress in his company - but I keep coming back to the fact that when I like a bloke his size, dress sense or age doesn't matter - ok - so he has to have a nice car and good dental hygiene, but otherwise as long as he can make me laugh he's pretty much on to a winner.

I'm not getting despondent - I'm getting confident - I have a number of men wanting to be on my quiz team - and who can blame them! Miss I-Completed-The-Sunday-Times-Crossword Last-Week! And I'll firm up that date with a friend of a friend. I'm also toying with the idea of using my 60 seconds to tout for a new bloke on Thursday morning - who'll know! it will all be on expenses.

But I feel a bit empty - I really like him and there are 101 things that happen through the average day that I want to share with him - most of which portray me as a fabulous glamorous business goddess, admittedly - if only he knew my vulnerable side!

Today did not get off to an auspicious start! Jack came into my room claiming to feel too ill to go to school. I did what my mum would have done, and bullied him into getting ready, the wuss! I should have realised there was something amiss when he wanted a cuddle, something he hasn't done for at least a year unless he wants to tell me about a motorbike he's seen for sale!

Anyway, he was sick on my shoes as we were about to leave the house. So I set off for work alone and able to take the quick route! Wrong! There was a snarl-up on the Clive Sullivan so it took me 38 minutes to progress 2 miles! I get to work and the milkman has failed to deliver - again! I manage to secure some milk on the black market and make my over-sized cup of coffee and put my porridge in the microwave. But hey! We're out of sugar too!

Then I discover the Probate guy has called in sick! Threw his back out whilst suffering from diarrhoea and sickness apparently! So I get all his maddest and most awkward clients phoning in quick succession! It's 11.30 before I even start to look at my post and then the phone is still going constantly - I really must try to be a bit less obliging to the receptionists - sure I want the swears but do they have to give me all the quotes and care in the community callers too?

So I'm not in a great mood when i leave the office, trailing my secretary, who wrote the Knowledge, on route to see a client who I have already decided is purely an attention seeker! She took the wind out of my sails, the sweetest most unassuming lady with really cute much-loved dogs. I weakened a bit at that point.

Then back on the road, I swear the chap in the toll-booth raised a slightly impressed eye-brow at my imaginary Wonder-Woman knickers! To pick up Nick, the Barry White of the Front Row, and then a miraculously recovered Jack and so to County training. We were early by a good half hour but no-one clapped.

Bully and I snook off for some haddock and chips . I figured as I'd not eaten since yesterday tea-time it was forgiveable. 5 hours later I slumped onto my sofa and pressed my answer-phone! "You have no new messages since a week last Thursday! and that was your Dad!"So now I'm going to bed in the hope that tomorrow fairs better! It could all have been so different if Cute had just called! even if it was only to say he was too busy to call. Hey Ho!

It's taken me all weekend to recover from Thursday. I was supposed to be up at 5am. I was horrified to be awoken by Sarah Kennedy - that meant it was 6.15 and I was late - very late!

I had fortuitously planned ahead, I'm confident but aware of my limitations, so I was able to throw myself into some very carefully positioned and easy to negotiate when weary clothes and was on the empty road within 15 minutes. I'd even managed to pack a bag for that evening and remembered to pick it up! Result!

I slipped into the meeting just as they were about to sit down to breakfast, I might have got away with it, had it not been for the constant references to tardiness and my supremacy at it that I made within my 60 second delivery - doh!

Work went well throughout the rest of the day and I was pleased to sink into Sophie's comfy couch shortly after 5 - I am rapidly beginning to realise where all my energy goes - it's down the road and over the Bridge that depletes my reserves as well as my wallet - I must start to think about buying a house nearer work and a social life.

Anyway, we ate - me more than the rest - and then spent a very different enjoyable evening in a posh tent in a posh village with posh folk, culminating in Sarah stealing the show in her feather boa. It was fun! I spent a daft amount of money on cards and wrapping paper, old habits die hard.

Yesterday was worthy of note, only for the fact that I defrosted 10 years build-up of ice from my freezer. And what a task it was. I had begun to notice a problem when the glacier from the freezer was taking more room in the fridge compartment than my Friendly-Bacteria Supplements! As I had largely run out of food, I decided now was the time to take my soothing eye-masks out of their cool resting place and make more space for cheese. I had to chisel it with a butter knife - my right arm is killing me - I haven't had that much aerobic activity since........ ok, so I'm not one for exercise!

My early-riser catches the worm routine is going great guns with the unexpected assistance of Stephen! He called at 7.27!!!!! this morning to tell me he was going fishing - taken it up because Jack had mentioned he enjoyed it apparently. He had to catch the tide to catch Salmon!!!! FFS!!!

He then dropped into the conversation that he's up in court on Wednesday - non-payment of maintenance - would he go to prison? could I recommend a solicitor!! FFS!!! Oh! And would we remember his birthday? Sure! We'll buy you a present just as soon as your maintenance cheque clears!

The rest of the weekend has been a DVD/Minstrel fest punctuated with Crispy Duck cooked with my own fair hand and Lamb Delight - I even bought jaffa cakes and Chewy Sultana Cookies - Jack ate them! I can't even enjoy psuedo-sex!!