Wednesday, February 11, 2009

The Corsa Enquiry

The authorities will soon put two and two together and realise something is amiss.

Four consecutive vehicles all dying from the same illness. The common link? The same owner.

I predict a national enquiry followed by the hasty formation of a specialised Vehicle Protection Unit. Innocent Ministers and Heads of Services may lose their jobs. They have already displayed their incompetence and whatever brings them down can only be good for the world in general (and I am generalising, not blaming the entire Government for the current state of the nation. I do not read the Daily Mail. I apologise to any blameless politicians who fall foul of this. Perhaps they should have listened harder at school). It will be a typical knee-jerk reaction and serve no practical purpose whatsoever.

The real culprit should be brought to justice and made never to commit the same crime again.

I have no problem with that. I just need to be able to get to work, see my friends, shop, and avoid the embarrassment of any daily use of public transport.

I am taking this opportunity to set out my mitigation.

1. I never meant them any harm. I loved all my cars. I never saw my behaviour as inappropriate. I probably wouldn't do anything differently today.

2. I provided them with sufficient fuel and never, ever (apart from one time 8 or 9 years ago when I was very busy and distracted) let them run on empty or suffer malnutrition.

3. I gave them top grade oil even when they were spewing it out faster than I could pour it in. I never spooned it back.

4. There were no physical bumps or bruises.

5. I emptied all the accumulated crap when it reached knee height in each of the passenger wells. I even put air-fresheners in the boot of the last one (actually, the seller did. I just didn't remove them in the last 16 months).

6. I never touched them. Certainly not inappropriately. And definitely not in a loving way.

7. I meant them no harm and afforded them the basic needs: petrol, tyres, oil, air and water as required. Heck! I'm not getting a regular service so why can't they cope with the odd shrivelled gasket or dry spot too?

8. I bought the last one a new oil cap after driving her down to London and back without one.

9. I'd been too busy to realise I'd done 43,000 miles in 16 months without a service to book a service.

10. I'm sorry. And I've promised my Dad I won't do it again.


Blogger Pete said...

43k in 16 months? ye strewth and I thought I was a heavy user.

buy a tank

7:55 am  
Blogger C.J.Duffy said...

I knew a chalike you once, his name as Basil Fawlty.

How many miles?


2:58 pm  
Blogger Bass Ackwords said...


Young Ladee I don't think that yew shud be gittin any more cars if y'er jus gunna kill 'em.

Havin' a car is a privladge not a rite! If they was Puppies you'd have been tar'd N feathr'd by PETER or some other anamul rites grupe.

Next time you need to make a skedjewel at a local servass stayshun and git y'er car check'd wonce a matter wot!

3:27 pm  
Blogger Frieda Babbley said...

Oh hysterical! Nicely written! Perfect video match -- I love the song! And if you ask me, you did your best. My car should be so lucky. (I will add that mine smells really bad right now, and I don't know why -- this is true abuse, so I wouldn't feel bad.)

8:01 am  
Blogger Dave said...


8:38 am  
Blogger kj said...

so no oil change in 16 months? good that you're a fast learner.

(ps tsup!)

10:07 pm  
Anonymous Beki said...

"6. I never touched them. Certainly not inappropriately. And definitely not in a loving way."

Oh that reminds me of that FIVE documentary about men who did inappropriately love there cars...and now I feel queasy!

9:18 pm  
Blogger Nuzzer Happenstance said...

Feb 11!

...just checkin' in


12:04 am  

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