Tuesday, November 04, 2008

A Bed Idea

Don't despair when your only child departs into the wild world. See it as an opportunity.

There's an empty room there. Use it.

1. Put a weekend aside to sanitise. Remember to tell a friend where you are going and arrange to check in by a certain hour. If they have not heard from you within an alloted space of time, they know which part of the house to send the emergency services to cut you free from the Nuts magazine avalanche.
To sanitise: to remove germs and other abhorrent matter; to render clean; to make habitable for rational folk.

2. Be prepared. Wear rubber gloves and have breathing apparatus within reach. Double-bag anything suspect.

3. Make it comfy. There's probably no need to spend £300 on new bedding, but make sure the mattress and pillows are protected, preferably with deep-quilt, the bed has clean, crisp linen(300+ threadcount if you are going to do it properly), a scattering of cushions, a contrasting throw and a fluffy rug.

4. Make it homely. Travellers rarely pack bulky items such as bathrobes or slippers. Fold the fluffiest you can find and insert towelling slippers salvaged from hotel stays. Dig out those scented candles you got for a birthday. They won't light them but it makes you look cosmopolitan. Same goes for any interesting or intellectual books you've never read, leave them by the bedside.

5. Don't forget the bathroom. Go to work on the grouting with a toothbrush. Go to work on the toilet with a loobrush. Have an ample supply of every kind of new brush. Stock up on toilet roll. Polish the sink bowl.

6. Put out the cat. Hidden little messages undo all your hard work.

7. Put out taxi cards and timetables. You might like living in the 'sticks' but your guests may prefer civilisation.

8. Cleanse the fridge. You may have gotten used to the rotting fish smell of the chilli sauce stored in an old Kronenberg bottle stolen from the kebab shop on the High Street last February but your guests might not have the same affection.

9. Don't offer extras. If all you are charging is £15 a night, that £7.95 bottle of Rioja your guest just drank eats heavily into your profits.

10. Promote. Ordering free business cards from Vistaprint is a false economy. If you do it after one-too-many Sauvignons, you will end up with 5 years supply extolling 'Leaning's Lodgings' in fine italics with a strap-line ' Never Not Knowingly' and a picture of a sharp-breasted dominatrix with a haircut uncomfortably similar to your own. It could lead to an entirely different business venture.

Take it from one who knows.

9 Comments:

Blogger Mr Coppens said...

Thank goodness you never not knowingly tried The Best Little Hors d'oeuvres House North of Watford (replete with picture of Dolly Parton) on your cards.

6:35 am  
Blogger Vicus Scurra said...

I shall be there from Thursday to Tuesday. Vegan organic meals please, and Sky Sports in my room (for the benefit of American readers that is a tv channel, not the mile high club). I am informal and friendly by nature, but do not take kindly to having my space invaded.

8:01 am  
Blogger Dave said...

You can let out the entire room annually tax-free. I think that only applies to one room. Otherwise you could let every room in the house individually, and go and live in a caravan.

8:55 am  
Blogger Pete said...

You putting your photo on the card?

£15? does that include a full English.

8:56 am  
Blogger Pete said...

I meant to say WORK photo :D

8:56 am  
Blogger kj said...

gee, i need a vacation. i could be a paying guest...

:)

1:37 am  
Blogger ziggi said...

is that £15 for the room or per person?

Please send booking form!

7:07 am  
Blogger C.J.Duffy said...

Best not to examine girly magazines to closely either. Bag 'em without leafing through them!

2:48 pm  
Blogger andrea said...

Everything but clean the fridge! I don't do that.

12:01 am  

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