Sunday, December 14, 2008

Clement Climbs

He'd had a bad journey. Stuck in stationary traffic for four hours, hungry and grumpy, it was my job to ensure all Sir Clement Freud's needs were met. I ushered him into the Green Room where an assortment of posh sandwiches awaited, just as his manager had ordered.

" I don't eat bread. Wheat-intolerant." He disdainfully dismissed my offer to fetch an alternative from Tesco. He wanted a mirror and Listerine. I had neither as they hadn't appeared on his Rider.He rejected a Trebor mint. I had to think fast.

" We share a birthday." Gold. A brief discussion centring around Shirley MacLaine and Barbra Streisand and we were off. He looked at me for the first time, really seeing me.

" Are you married?" No.

"Single?" Smile and nod, vigorously.

" I have a car and a driver outside. Would you like to come to London for the weekend?" Nervous giggle. Was he joking?

During the interval I obediantly sat beside him transcribing questions from the audience into legible script whilst he tucked into the fresh fruit salad that was the only thing available without gluten, wheat, nuts or other potential peer poisons.

" Watermelon is the strongest aphrodisiac known to man. Far more effective than Viagra. Do you think I should have another helping?"

I looked him in the eye, didn't flinch at the wink and calmly declared that he'd had enough.


Blogger Donn Coppens said...

"He looked at me for the first time, really seeing me."

This is exactly why I love your wordsmithing.

Unfortunately I don't know this chap from loss.

5:57 am  
Blogger Dave said...

Isn't he a little old for you, CP?

8:07 am  
Blogger Vicus Scurra said...

I feel for you. I had exactly the same problem with Penelope Cruz.

9:22 am  
Blogger delcatto said...

I am thinking of lugubrious basset hounds...

9:56 pm  
Blogger zIggI said...

is that true about watermelon d'you think?

7:37 pm  
Blogger kj said...

is this for real?

and what about that watermelon?
(slurp, slurp)


3:39 am  
Blogger wastedpapiers said...

I hope i still have that much go in me when I'm 84 - being able to wink and eat fruit salad.

Hazel, my other half, met his daughter Emma freud once when being ridiculed by Start The Week on BBCRadio 4. She and Sir Clive Sinclair came to our tawdry flat in Lambeth Walk to be interviewed on the merits of inventions. ( Hazel invents weird gadgets ) and Sir Clive looked like a man being held hostage by terrorists, nervously looking round for the exits!

8:24 am  
Blogger Malc said...

I wasn't sure he was still alive. I met him once years ago - thought he was a bit weird.

word verification: balcoc

8:58 pm  
Blogger Cherrypie said...

Donn - he's as old as Adam. His Grandfather, Sigmund, is considerably colder.

Dave - I've upped my limit, seeing as how my credit card company thinks it's appropriate.

Vicus - feign flatulence.

Del - I'm thinking how on earth the word 'lugubrious' ever got to Grimsby.

Zig-a-zig-ah - if you wanna be my lover...

KJ - it all happened. I could not have made it up.

Wasted - we should get together and compare notes.

Malc - you were spot on, as ever. Can't believe it's a year. My turn to venture North.

9:12 pm  
Blogger Vivianne UK said...

Work by other researchers has shown that oxytocin-sensitive cells in the brain play a role in the neural control of erectile responses, suggesting that Viagra and other similar medicines may actually be working via multiple channels.

8:19 am  
Blogger Mary said...

Generic Viagra is an oral treatment drug that has been developed to combat erectile dysfunction. The fundamental ingredient within the product is sildenafil, which essentially serves to work within the body, through the improvement of the blood supply into the penis, thus along for firmer, longer lasting erections.

6:36 am  
Anonymous Negocio Inversiones said...

it's great to see fresh, creative ideas that have never been done before.

6:55 pm  

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