Tuesday, April 27, 2004

Managed to leave work relatively early tonight - I call 18.15hr early these days - and I met my lovely pal, Sarah for a quick drink, catch up(need to keep up to speed with all the old office politics - not much doing since I left by all accounts) - and then to the salon for a demonstration of The Most Recent Cosmetic Technology!

My mobile went off just as we were walking to the venue - normally I wouldn't have answered it but it was one of my cuter, younger, more handsome clients who was calling me after 7 from home - had to be a date! Apparently not, I forgot to add he's also a friend - who sees me very much in the same role - he needed legal advice! Should have turned the bloody thing off the minute I left work!!Anyway we walked into this normally buzzing salon to find Hull's re-enactment of the Michael Jackson's Thriller video! God! These women were hideous to look at - and after I'd turned my phone off they were even worse to listen to! At least 2 of them had to have wigs on first inspection, closer scrutiny (it wasn't that interesting) would make you question whether someone would go to the trouble of adding obvious grey roots to a bouffant extravagant affair! Either she has a very long-term prognosis and needs wigs for every week of the month or she sees her hairdresser more often than her husband sees her - if you know what I mean!! Shudder!

Sarah and I deftly swerved out of being the model/guineau pig for the evening - that went to Evelyn - a very Game Bird about 70 who had skin to die for (well she almost had). It was interminable but we dutifully boked appointments for the next week and left with almost the entire contents of the Sample box in our handbags - let's see if it works!!

Saturday, April 24, 2004

Life has returned pretty much back to normal after my Easter Cyber-Fest! Thank goodness! I was in very serious danger of turning into a geek.

I was so pleased to pick CM up the following day - he'd not had the best exchange, he'd much preferred Japan the previous year, but he'd already decided he'd be going back next year - just not to the same family. He'd tried to buy me some Chanel perfume, my favourite - bless! - but it was too expensive so I got a Sausage and a bottle of wine. I was quite touched with that - he knows my tastes. Grandma got a bottle of wine too and Grandad got a packet of Fisherman's Friends!

The house was back to normal in minutes - trainers littered everywhere, clouds of Lynx hovering in the air, cupboards raided - and more importantly, no room for me at the computer, which was merrily pinging away as he quickly got in touch with his friends, no doubt swapping stories of holiday exploits that wouldn't get passed a parental rating - accompanied by a soundtrack of Gangster Rap! Peace, tranquility shattered - bliss!

It was good to get back to work after the long bank holiday weekend too. I used to love bank holidays when I was in a relationship but they're not so great when you are single, no-one to play with! In fact, I think I probably only really want a boyfriend for bank holidays - the rest of the time I'm quite happy to get to choose what I watch, what I wear, what I eat, which side of the bed to sleep on! I wonder whether anyone would respond if I put that on my dating site - WLTM tall, dark handsome, intelligent rugby player for Whit and May Day initially - could lead to Christmas!

Talking of high days and holidays - today is my Birthday! I've not really enjoyed my birthday over the last few years - the rot started on my 30th! I always thought I'd be solvent and stable by then but I was not even close! I felt like that was it! Life over! No chance of finding love now, not now everything has started heading south - just my pension to look forward to and the hope that there might be a nice-looking orderly in my Nursing Home to change my incontinence pads! Last year was even worse - my Mum had booked a table for me and CM at my friend's new restaurant. How sad was that! Going for a candle-lit meal with your 12 year old! It actually turned out to be ok - typical type of date really - he insisted I choose the cheapest thing on the Menu, suggested we just had the one course, had 2 drinks (of Coke) for every one of mine, and wanted to go home to watch the football as soon as we'd eaten!

I feel a bit more positive this year - don't know if it's cos it's a beautiful sunny day and I don't have to go to work - or if it's an indication that my mood is improving generally. I'm even going out tonight - in public with grown-ups and everything!! I normally get loads of cards but I wasn't expecting many this year - new job, no-one knows me properly yet and my former colleagues won't be bothered now that I won't be buying them cakes for the staffroom anymore. I didn't get as many but I've been really touched by those that have remembered! My proper friends! One of my old secretaries even called round an hour ago with a bottle of wine and a card! I'm surprised she's still talking to me after I didn't take her with me to my new job - then again I'm surprised that the one I did take is still talking to me after sharing a room with me for the first 6 weeks! You always take it out on the people closest to you!!

And I got some fab presents - a DVD player!! How big is that?!! I wasn't expecting to be that spoilt. My video broke ages ago and I've been thinking of getting CM one for Christmas for a couple of years. It came with "Captain Corelli's Mandolin" (loved the book - saw the film set when I was holidaying in Cephalonia a few years ago) and "Love actually! - I think I must be the only person who hasn't seen it! I'll look forward to that tomorrow night! Accompanied by the wine and the last of my solitary Easter Egg! And I got some CDs - Bay City Rollers Greatest Hits and Jamie Cullum! CM's going to hate car journeys to rugby training over the next few months!

And I've been getting lovely text messages from a chap I've been talking to on here - he even rang me earlier to say a brief hello - he's staying with family in the next town for the weekend - which is ironic cos I'm about to set off to stay with a friend who lives just round the corner from him in West Yorkshire. He wants to meet me - he's been wanting to for a few weeks but I still haven't plucked up the courage. It's not that I'm that afraid anymore - I was! I convinced myself he was a stalker and I was kicking myself for having revealed so many personal details - I didn't dare leave the office at lunchtime in case he was watching me from a bar or shop, following me, clocking me buying my Shapers lunch! Fortunately my imagination, and ego, turned out to be rather larger than his desire to boil my bunny!

I quite enjoy the attention and excitement, if we meet that might disappear! He'll realise my hour-glass figure is more an hour-and-half and that I inherited Grandma's chin! And he might have awful slip-on shoes, and wear white socks! I'd hate him to see any disappointment register momentarily across my face. What could be even worse than that, would be if we actually got on - that might lead to something else - ultimately sex! Think I'd prefer to clock up a few more visits to the Cheese Nazi's scales before I run the risk of letting another man near my jiggly bits!

Any way, it's too late now - got to head for Leeds! Want to arrive early enough to have a glass of bubbly while I open the fabulous small beautifully packaged gift that Eva is bound to have bought me! She has impeccable taste and the luxury of being able to shop in the Victoria Quarter - the frozen food shops, poundstores and Gregg's on my local high street don't quite have the same appeal! Not sure exactly what we are going to be doing tonight! I've fought bitterly to stay in for the last couple of years every time I've gone over to Leeds but tonight I fancy painting the town red! We will eat somewhere - we tried to book a table at Anthony's, the newest hippest eatery to open - chef from El Bulli, the Spanish El Dorado which we both read about and aspire to - but it was full. Eva always persuades me to be a bit more extravagant than I might otherwise be - and I must confess that it doesn't take much doing! I can't help it - I'm a Taurean! I'm supposed to have a large appetite for all things fabulous, decadent, rich and exotic!

Might end up at a hip happening club later - fancy throwing a few shapes about the dance floor, may even meet a handsome, younger foreign Adonis who I can snog to my heart's content, inhibitions anaesthetised by the champers, safe in the knowledge that I'll never have to see him again! Leeds is very good for that sort of thing - or at least it was the last time I allowed myself to be dragged out, kicking and screaming! We've had some cracking evenings, and very early mornings being flung about a club or later Eva's lounge, by nimble nifty Italian waiters - they can all dance so well and enjoy the petting but understand "no", being good Catholic boys who wouldn't want anyone to disrespect their sisters.

Whatever, I'm quite liking being 33 so far!

Monday, April 12, 2004

What a strange weekend it's been! I really shouldn't be left unsupervised! My teenage son, fondly referred to as the Cashmonster (CM), has been away on a school exchange for the last 2 weeks and I've taken full advantage of the opportunity to get clicking on the Internet! My eyes have been opened, I can tell you!

I discovered Internet Dating recently! I'm addicted! I haven't really bothered with the opposite sex for the last few years!There is a story behind it but it is far too painful to reveal on our first meeting! Anyway, I've become somewhat of an overnight success!I'd never even stepped foot in a Chat room before - thought msn was just a place where kids get groomed by bogus sinister characters - certainly not a place for an intelligent, moderately successful, independent working single mum from a back-water in Lincolnshire to spend her leisure time! Gosh! Am I a quick learner though!

It all started about 3 or 4 weeks ago! The CM was out doing what he does best - wasting my hard-earned money down the local High Street with his baseball-becapped spotty mates! I had a sinkful of pots and a kitchen floor that had more flora on it than a small tropical rainforest along the amazon! It was so awful in that kitchen that even the ants were starting to complain!I'm very good at multi-tasking so I decided to have a click about on the computer whilst sipping coffee and procrastinating!

I'd bought the new computer at Christmas for the CM! I'd had a bit of a play about on it when it was first installed - checked out the BBC - booked tickets to see Mastermind being filmed (? don't ask!) - subscribed to the National Trust newsletter - entered a few competitions - tried to find Martin Johnson's home number! You know, the usual! Well, a friend had told me about a dating site which was supposed to be very good with a high success rate of marriages to handsome, intelligent, wealthy doctors! Needless to say, I'd checked it out - even posted an anonymous profile but I wasn't prepared to go as far as subscribing to it! I wasn't going to pay good money to be ignored by men in my spare room as well as in the supermarket, bar, workplace! So I'd forgotten all about it!

This particular day I was merrily deleting spam from my Inbox when I came across a free introduction to a new dating site! On impulse I clicked on it and decided to have a nosy about! I was a little bit circumspect when I saw it was obviously very adult-orientated but I'm a broad-minded girl! (well, actually that's not quite true - I pretend to be but when it comes down to the nitty gritty Sunday school had a very strong early influence in my life!) Anyway, I ticked all the boxes so as to ensure I could see all the site had to offer! Who can blame me - everyone pretends to be what they're not on here apparently! What harm's one more 32 year old bored mum masquerading as a bisexual, dominatrix, swinger going to do? Anyway, within minutes people are trying to talk to me! I was terrified! There was a 22 year old couple in Burnley who obviously believed in share and share alike! A 39 year old guy from a South coast seaside retirement town who was clearly very proud of his satin bedspread! And then a guy of a similar age to me from an East coast resort not too far away from me! I decided to try and talk to him!

Me: "Hello! How's the weather in Ethelthorpe-by-Sea today?"

King Kong: "So you here to talk dirty then? How big are your tits?!"

Me: Gulp!

KK: Do you take it up the dark way?

Me: (delay where I wasn't sure if he'd be offended if I just left the room at a rapid pace, I'm new to these things remember! What if he could see me on the webcam I'd bought CM) I'm really sorry, Mr Kong! I seem to have stumbled in here by mistake - terribly sorry to waste your time! have a good day!

KK: (suddenly and strangely softer tone to his text) Hey, that's ok, Cherrypie69! (ok! OK!-I was just trying to fit in remember!) It's not really my type of thing either if truth be told! Much prefer a pint with my mates and a game of snooker! Why don't you try www.singlesaferand freetowomen.co.uk!

And it was as simple as that! I've not been back to www.hotrampantscarypeople.co.uk, not even to remove my profile! I bet I'm the biggest prick-tease on their! Some poor guy with a fetish about being ignored is having a rare old party, I'll wager!

But I have joined the tipped site! My ability to attract the opposite sex has mulitplied ten-fold at least! I got carried away after the second night - helped along by a few glasses of wine! Well, here's a woman who never had a shortage of admirers in her youth but had spent the last 2 years sitting on her sofa with her wine bottle and the remote control for company every night about as attractive as Waynetta Slob when she's not making the effort!! I'd suddenly got half a dozen men from all over the place wanting to talk to me! I even got crushed on by a very handsome, young Italian guy, so you can understand a girl's head can be turned! They all wanted to know what I looked like!

So you can perhaps see how easy it might be to have a momentary lapse of sanity! I posted my picture there! My gorgeous new friends shouldn't be deprived of being able to see the vision of loveliness that is this witty, edgy, feisty sex-kitten they're beginning to fall in love with! It seemed like such a good idea at the time! I really must start a campaign to fit breathalysers to computers ( and mobile phones but that's a topic for another day)!

You may or may not know that it usually takes a site-provider a few days to approve the profiles and pictures that people post onto it! Make sure it's not indecent, illegal, libellous etc. (not something www.hotrampantscarypeople.co.uk
spent much time on!) So it was quite a surprise 2 days later when I check my e-mails during my lunchhour and see a message from the dating site proudly informing me my smiling mug was now being published to the world at large! AAaaaaaarggghh! Panic! It didn't seem quite such a good idea in the sober light of day! Particularly given that I'd used the only digital shot I had access to, my work's publicity shot - which was due to be published in the local daily paperwith a readership of about 250,000! That afternoon was one of the longest of my life! I was supposed to be going straight to my weekly Fat Club after work but instead I dashed home and sped into the backroom to quickly remove it before too much damage was done! I figured most people would still be on their way home from work before 6 so I might be able to remove it before too much damage was done!

Nnnnnnnnoooooooooooooooooooooo! " Your picture can not be edited for 72 hours!"

I was stuck up there, approachably grinning at hundreds of strangers and, even worse thought, people that might know me! Despair! Horror! I was tempted to collapse sobbing in a corner but I'd already paid my subsription to be routinely and publicly humiliated on the scales at the local Church Hall! And on the bright side - I'd not had a problem with constipation or water-retention that day! I'd worry about it later after I'd bounced about the community centre with my fellow salad-dodgers!

In my defense, I was probably already in a mild state of euphoria, brought on by the irritatingly pert Cheese Nazi declaring (in a far too amazed tone for my liking!) that I'd lost 2 whole pounds in a week! So when I eventually logged back on, the realisation that in the space of less than 6 hours 56 men had all been interested enough by my mugshot to click on my profile and learn more about me actually gave me a bit of a buzz! And as I watched they kept coming, from all over the place, Barnsley, Bristol, Ghana, Guadeloupe! These men were either all blind or I didn't look completely like Hattie Jacques and Bernard Mannings love child!

Anyway, I've not really looked back since! I did remove my picture after the obligatory 3 days by which time I'd had almost 200 hits and loads of men wanting to chat - some more successfully than others! I was lapping it up! I was a Cyber-Goddess! I've made new friends all over the place, I've started to brush up on my rusty school-girl French (with varying degrees of appreciation) and I have about 4 or 5 apparently intelligent and not-too-unattractive (if they are using their own image that is) eligible-sounding suitors vying for the chance to have the pleasure of accompanying me on a date!I've had a couple who are only there for the cyber-sex too! I was very good at dodging it at first, but then I came over all Mrs Robinson with a 20 year old postman from a town not too far away from me! It was actually quite good fun!

I've come to a bit of a halt though! It's getting increasingly difficult to justify chatting to these lovely male companions every night and not take that next step of actually meeting them, in a safe public place you understand! I've made a number of different excuses - all of which translate into "I'm too scared! Let's just stay here where it's safe and you can go on thinking I'm the witty, sexy, glamorous, successful Woman-of -your-Dreams!" I've also spoken to a couple on the phone! That can be a bit odd! How do you tell someone you've been flirting with for the last 3 weeks, who you had imagined with the voice of Barry White, that they sound more like Kenneth Williams!? Very disappointing for a girl!

Anyway - I'll let you know if there any developments! I'm gonna just log back on for a few minutes - just in case Colin Firth got connected!

;-) x C