Friday, November 23, 2007

Orgasmic Moment #32

'I'm really sorry to bother you, Cherrypie. I hope you don't mind me asking but would it be alright if I took some of your post and answered it for you. I'm almost uptodate with my own work and I really think I could help you out a lot more with the routine stuff.'

Thankyou, God. Thankyou, Universe, Thankyou. Thankyou. Thankyou

Tuesday, November 20, 2007

Clever C*nt

It's always good to start the day knowing you don't have gonorrhoea. Or chlamydia, hepatitis B, HIV or syphilis.

Not that I thought for one moment I had any of these things. No symptoms, but then 70% of women never do. Perhaps all this extra weight I've been carrying wasn't fat, just a very inflamed pelvis.

What I did have was sex with a married man. A married man who felt very guilty. A married man who developed symptoms, who convinced me I'd given him an infection, who dashed off to a clinic and swallowed large quantities of antibiotics. I followed. I too took antibiotics despite being told it was unlikely I needed them. I insisted on the tests. The full works. I passed with flying colours.

Meanwhile, the married man has a very nasty dose of psychosomatic soap sensitivity.

Friday, November 16, 2007

Hollywood Bound

Story Outline

Cherrypie, a brilliant but unsung beauty-beneath-a-burkha, Erin Brokovitch with a Lincolnshire accent, refuses to accept her beloved comedy club is closing down for good. She recognises the rare talent and creative capabilities of Jon, the down-on-his-luck promoter and admires his strong morals and staunch ethics. She resolves to do her utmost to keep live comedy coming to Scunthorpe.

This isn’t Calendar Girls, this isn’t The Full Monty, this isn’t Brassed Off. This is a true story of one woman’s fight.This is serious. Laughter is at stake.

Cherrypie despairs of her fellow townsfolk. She tries time and again to inject some interest, some hope, some ambition into their tired, apathetic lives. It is a thankless and apparently futile task. There are many points along the way at which she almost resigns herself to defeat.

Jack, her hard-on-the-outside but secretly sensitive son, worries that the strain is becoming too much for his tireless mother. He falls asleep to the sound of tears through the plaster-deprived walls* night after night. He steps over the signs of his mother’s latenight work every morning, empty wine bottles, overflowing ashtrays, half-finished sudoku puzzles, brilliant pieces of prose that never read quite the same in the cold light of day.

Diane, Jon’s beautiful and vivacious mother, supports Cherrypie’s campaign. Together, shoulder-to-upper-forearm ( Cherrypie being a dwarf) they spread the word, evangelising to the woolly ears of the local townsfolk. They won’t shut up until someone takes them seriously. They have already got to 70 and 36 respectively without anyone ever taking them seriously. Yet they are optimists, glass-half-full, thick-skinned, refuse to give up hope, romantic types of girl.

Eventually, the townsfolk start to notice a faint noise. It grows louder. The press get interested. Peter Levy pays a call. The townsfolk start to hum the same tune. It becomes a deafening roar. Cherrypie misses a call from Jonathan Ross because her rubbish old Nokia ZX81 runs out of charge but he sends a driver and has her whisked to his studios giving her time only to have a blow-dry, boob job, make-over and pull on a knee-to-torso flesh-coloured lycra foundation garment.

After the show, Cherrypie receives an invitation from Gordon Brown to be co-opted onto his Cabinet with special portfolio for raising the aspirations of the nation.

Jon, meanwhile, is oblivious. His curtains have remained drawn for weeks. Papers have piled up at the door of his recently-renovated flat. When he opens the curtains, eating cold baked beans from a Tesco value tin, the world’s media is camped out in the communal gardens opposite. It is a Julia Roberts in Notting Hill moment.

And they all laughed happily ever after.

*Subplot - Cherrypie is suffering a personal tragedy as her house falls to pieces around her ears, a victim of flood damage caused by global warming and mass consumerism. Her evil insurance man persistently humiliates and belittles her but she gives no thought to her woes, so concerned is she for the future of comedy.

Suggested Casting

Cherrypie– Miriam Margoyles

Jon – Heath Ledger

Jack – Jonny Wilkinson

Diane – Honor Blackman

Evil Insurance Man – The Hooded Claw

Peter Levy - himself

Fellow Townsfolk – the flock of the Government Scrapie Research Laboraties

Tuesday, November 13, 2007

Hop on? Hop off

They're just like buses.
They belch clouds of noxious gases behind them.
Treat the road like they own it.
Resistant to Change.
You wait around forever for one.
And then 5 come along at once.

Monday, November 05, 2007


I don't really know how to tell you this.
It's me, not you.

I got a bit carried away.

I hope you understand.