Friday, November 16, 2007

Hollywood Bound

Story Outline

Cherrypie, a brilliant but unsung beauty-beneath-a-burkha, Erin Brokovitch with a Lincolnshire accent, refuses to accept her beloved comedy club is closing down for good. She recognises the rare talent and creative capabilities of Jon, the down-on-his-luck promoter and admires his strong morals and staunch ethics. She resolves to do her utmost to keep live comedy coming to Scunthorpe.

This isn’t Calendar Girls, this isn’t The Full Monty, this isn’t Brassed Off. This is a true story of one woman’s fight.This is serious. Laughter is at stake.

Cherrypie despairs of her fellow townsfolk. She tries time and again to inject some interest, some hope, some ambition into their tired, apathetic lives. It is a thankless and apparently futile task. There are many points along the way at which she almost resigns herself to defeat.

Jack, her hard-on-the-outside but secretly sensitive son, worries that the strain is becoming too much for his tireless mother. He falls asleep to the sound of tears through the plaster-deprived walls* night after night. He steps over the signs of his mother’s latenight work every morning, empty wine bottles, overflowing ashtrays, half-finished sudoku puzzles, brilliant pieces of prose that never read quite the same in the cold light of day.

Diane, Jon’s beautiful and vivacious mother, supports Cherrypie’s campaign. Together, shoulder-to-upper-forearm ( Cherrypie being a dwarf) they spread the word, evangelising to the woolly ears of the local townsfolk. They won’t shut up until someone takes them seriously. They have already got to 70 and 36 respectively without anyone ever taking them seriously. Yet they are optimists, glass-half-full, thick-skinned, refuse to give up hope, romantic types of girl.

Eventually, the townsfolk start to notice a faint noise. It grows louder. The press get interested. Peter Levy pays a call. The townsfolk start to hum the same tune. It becomes a deafening roar. Cherrypie misses a call from Jonathan Ross because her rubbish old Nokia ZX81 runs out of charge but he sends a driver and has her whisked to his studios giving her time only to have a blow-dry, boob job, make-over and pull on a knee-to-torso flesh-coloured lycra foundation garment.

After the show, Cherrypie receives an invitation from Gordon Brown to be co-opted onto his Cabinet with special portfolio for raising the aspirations of the nation.

Jon, meanwhile, is oblivious. His curtains have remained drawn for weeks. Papers have piled up at the door of his recently-renovated flat. When he opens the curtains, eating cold baked beans from a Tesco value tin, the world’s media is camped out in the communal gardens opposite. It is a Julia Roberts in Notting Hill moment.

And they all laughed happily ever after.

*Subplot - Cherrypie is suffering a personal tragedy as her house falls to pieces around her ears, a victim of flood damage caused by global warming and mass consumerism. Her evil insurance man persistently humiliates and belittles her but she gives no thought to her woes, so concerned is she for the future of comedy.

Suggested Casting

Cherrypie– Miriam Margoyles

Jon – Heath Ledger

Jack – Jonny Wilkinson

Diane – Honor Blackman

Evil Insurance Man – The Hooded Claw

Peter Levy - himself

Fellow Townsfolk – the flock of the Government Scrapie Research Laboraties


Blogger Pete said...

well nice outline but the female lead is horribly miscast.

10:15 pm  
Blogger Dave said...

This comment has been removed by the author.

7:56 am  
Blogger Dave said...

Yes, let's face it, which Hollywood company is going to make a comedy film with a female lead, other than Whoopie Goldberg?

7:56 am  
Blogger Malc said...

Taking comedy back to Scunthorpe? On that evidence, it never left.

And Miriam Margolyes? I suspect not.

2:48 pm  
Blogger delcatto said...

What are you doing underneath a Ghurka?

Something is seriously amiss if the good sheep of Scunthorpe are without comedy shepherds and you cannot get plastered in your house.
Anyway, I'd have had Keira down to play the lead and Stephen Fry deserves a part in there somewhere.
I've heard Peter Levy plays a good Widow Twankey.

8:35 pm  
Blogger homo escapeons said...

Wow! Great story Kid!
Have your people call my people and set up Lunch.

Listen Kid we have Robin Williams under contract for one more picture so I see him playin' the lead in drag...
that Doubtfire thing was gold..
love your idea of using those Full Monty guys...
we can tart them up and repackage the whole thing..
this is great stuff Kid, GREAT...
oops sorry babe gotta go,
I've got that Borat guy on line 2..
L U!

3:26 pm  
Blogger ziggi said...

I believed you until right at the end when you said the insurance man still hadn't paid for your damage - that's a joke surely?


8:07 pm  

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