Monday, April 12, 2004

What a strange weekend it's been! I really shouldn't be left unsupervised! My teenage son, fondly referred to as the Cashmonster (CM), has been away on a school exchange for the last 2 weeks and I've taken full advantage of the opportunity to get clicking on the Internet! My eyes have been opened, I can tell you!

I discovered Internet Dating recently! I'm addicted! I haven't really bothered with the opposite sex for the last few years!There is a story behind it but it is far too painful to reveal on our first meeting! Anyway, I've become somewhat of an overnight success!I'd never even stepped foot in a Chat room before - thought msn was just a place where kids get groomed by bogus sinister characters - certainly not a place for an intelligent, moderately successful, independent working single mum from a back-water in Lincolnshire to spend her leisure time! Gosh! Am I a quick learner though!

It all started about 3 or 4 weeks ago! The CM was out doing what he does best - wasting my hard-earned money down the local High Street with his baseball-becapped spotty mates! I had a sinkful of pots and a kitchen floor that had more flora on it than a small tropical rainforest along the amazon! It was so awful in that kitchen that even the ants were starting to complain!I'm very good at multi-tasking so I decided to have a click about on the computer whilst sipping coffee and procrastinating!

I'd bought the new computer at Christmas for the CM! I'd had a bit of a play about on it when it was first installed - checked out the BBC - booked tickets to see Mastermind being filmed (? don't ask!) - subscribed to the National Trust newsletter - entered a few competitions - tried to find Martin Johnson's home number! You know, the usual! Well, a friend had told me about a dating site which was supposed to be very good with a high success rate of marriages to handsome, intelligent, wealthy doctors! Needless to say, I'd checked it out - even posted an anonymous profile but I wasn't prepared to go as far as subscribing to it! I wasn't going to pay good money to be ignored by men in my spare room as well as in the supermarket, bar, workplace! So I'd forgotten all about it!

This particular day I was merrily deleting spam from my Inbox when I came across a free introduction to a new dating site! On impulse I clicked on it and decided to have a nosy about! I was a little bit circumspect when I saw it was obviously very adult-orientated but I'm a broad-minded girl! (well, actually that's not quite true - I pretend to be but when it comes down to the nitty gritty Sunday school had a very strong early influence in my life!) Anyway, I ticked all the boxes so as to ensure I could see all the site had to offer! Who can blame me - everyone pretends to be what they're not on here apparently! What harm's one more 32 year old bored mum masquerading as a bisexual, dominatrix, swinger going to do? Anyway, within minutes people are trying to talk to me! I was terrified! There was a 22 year old couple in Burnley who obviously believed in share and share alike! A 39 year old guy from a South coast seaside retirement town who was clearly very proud of his satin bedspread! And then a guy of a similar age to me from an East coast resort not too far away from me! I decided to try and talk to him!

Me: "Hello! How's the weather in Ethelthorpe-by-Sea today?"

King Kong: "So you here to talk dirty then? How big are your tits?!"

Me: Gulp!

KK: Do you take it up the dark way?

Me: (delay where I wasn't sure if he'd be offended if I just left the room at a rapid pace, I'm new to these things remember! What if he could see me on the webcam I'd bought CM) I'm really sorry, Mr Kong! I seem to have stumbled in here by mistake - terribly sorry to waste your time! have a good day!

KK: (suddenly and strangely softer tone to his text) Hey, that's ok, Cherrypie69! (ok! OK!-I was just trying to fit in remember!) It's not really my type of thing either if truth be told! Much prefer a pint with my mates and a game of snooker! Why don't you try www.singlesaferand freetowomen.co.uk!

And it was as simple as that! I've not been back to www.hotrampantscarypeople.co.uk, not even to remove my profile! I bet I'm the biggest prick-tease on their! Some poor guy with a fetish about being ignored is having a rare old party, I'll wager!

But I have joined the tipped site! My ability to attract the opposite sex has mulitplied ten-fold at least! I got carried away after the second night - helped along by a few glasses of wine! Well, here's a woman who never had a shortage of admirers in her youth but had spent the last 2 years sitting on her sofa with her wine bottle and the remote control for company every night about as attractive as Waynetta Slob when she's not making the effort!! I'd suddenly got half a dozen men from all over the place wanting to talk to me! I even got crushed on by a very handsome, young Italian guy, so you can understand a girl's head can be turned! They all wanted to know what I looked like!

So you can perhaps see how easy it might be to have a momentary lapse of sanity! I posted my picture there! My gorgeous new friends shouldn't be deprived of being able to see the vision of loveliness that is this witty, edgy, feisty sex-kitten they're beginning to fall in love with! It seemed like such a good idea at the time! I really must start a campaign to fit breathalysers to computers ( and mobile phones but that's a topic for another day)!

You may or may not know that it usually takes a site-provider a few days to approve the profiles and pictures that people post onto it! Make sure it's not indecent, illegal, libellous etc. (not something www.hotrampantscarypeople.co.uk
spent much time on!) So it was quite a surprise 2 days later when I check my e-mails during my lunchhour and see a message from the dating site proudly informing me my smiling mug was now being published to the world at large! AAaaaaaarggghh! Panic! It didn't seem quite such a good idea in the sober light of day! Particularly given that I'd used the only digital shot I had access to, my work's publicity shot - which was due to be published in the local daily paperwith a readership of about 250,000! That afternoon was one of the longest of my life! I was supposed to be going straight to my weekly Fat Club after work but instead I dashed home and sped into the backroom to quickly remove it before too much damage was done! I figured most people would still be on their way home from work before 6 so I might be able to remove it before too much damage was done!

Nnnnnnnnoooooooooooooooooooooo! " Your picture can not be edited for 72 hours!"

I was stuck up there, approachably grinning at hundreds of strangers and, even worse thought, people that might know me! Despair! Horror! I was tempted to collapse sobbing in a corner but I'd already paid my subsription to be routinely and publicly humiliated on the scales at the local Church Hall! And on the bright side - I'd not had a problem with constipation or water-retention that day! I'd worry about it later after I'd bounced about the community centre with my fellow salad-dodgers!

In my defense, I was probably already in a mild state of euphoria, brought on by the irritatingly pert Cheese Nazi declaring (in a far too amazed tone for my liking!) that I'd lost 2 whole pounds in a week! So when I eventually logged back on, the realisation that in the space of less than 6 hours 56 men had all been interested enough by my mugshot to click on my profile and learn more about me actually gave me a bit of a buzz! And as I watched they kept coming, from all over the place, Barnsley, Bristol, Ghana, Guadeloupe! These men were either all blind or I didn't look completely like Hattie Jacques and Bernard Mannings love child!

Anyway, I've not really looked back since! I did remove my picture after the obligatory 3 days by which time I'd had almost 200 hits and loads of men wanting to chat - some more successfully than others! I was lapping it up! I was a Cyber-Goddess! I've made new friends all over the place, I've started to brush up on my rusty school-girl French (with varying degrees of appreciation) and I have about 4 or 5 apparently intelligent and not-too-unattractive (if they are using their own image that is) eligible-sounding suitors vying for the chance to have the pleasure of accompanying me on a date!I've had a couple who are only there for the cyber-sex too! I was very good at dodging it at first, but then I came over all Mrs Robinson with a 20 year old postman from a town not too far away from me! It was actually quite good fun!

I've come to a bit of a halt though! It's getting increasingly difficult to justify chatting to these lovely male companions every night and not take that next step of actually meeting them, in a safe public place you understand! I've made a number of different excuses - all of which translate into "I'm too scared! Let's just stay here where it's safe and you can go on thinking I'm the witty, sexy, glamorous, successful Woman-of -your-Dreams!" I've also spoken to a couple on the phone! That can be a bit odd! How do you tell someone you've been flirting with for the last 3 weeks, who you had imagined with the voice of Barry White, that they sound more like Kenneth Williams!? Very disappointing for a girl!

Anyway - I'll let you know if there any developments! I'm gonna just log back on for a few minutes - just in case Colin Firth got connected!

;-) x C

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