Saturday, October 23, 2004

I am still suffering from Wednesday night. Being seen out in public dressed as a bouncy castle leaves scars that do not disappear over night. What is it with padded clothing?

I did not suffer any lasting effects from the skiing experience - I even managed to stay upright for most of the class, that was until I got bored, tired and potentially emotional, and I used the "Safe Word" and unclipped my plastic-bound feet. Skiing would be great if you could sit down in between kamikazi missions, but to have to stand in 8" of unforgiving hard plastic in freezing conditions with thighs that are about to rigamortose is not my idea of a great midweek outing.

I thought we'd suffered the worst when we left the Piste and went in search of food - I never thought about turning the headlights off as we sat, still in shock, ruminating our awful KFC meal recently thrusted at us by a rather bad-mannered fuck-wit, Big Mistake! I was forgetting my rather temperamental battery.

A few pushes from my Olympian friends and we were happily motoring along the M62 with no fuel. I know my car and trust it, a single mum who has experienced dire straits at the end of many a month knows just how far she can go without assistance - that night I was tired, wet, pre-menstrual and nicotine-free, my passengers are not aware of how lucky they are to be alive now to read this, needless to say I filled my tank as Softly emptied hers, thus pacifying the Martian sitting in the back.

Next morning, or rather the middle of that night, I arrived at my breakfast meeting - first there! and no f***er else to witness it!!!! and the week has generally ground down from there.

Summary of today - 3 completions - 1st - laid-back-able-assistant has sent all the stuff that I gave her on Monday to be sent as a a matter of extreme urgency to the Lender.... yesterday!!! major lender refuses to look at it til next Monday! I speak to concerned client to appease, he just worries the Winnebago he's put a down-payment on will dematerialise over the weekend:

2nd - another major lender sends mortgage advance 4k short - every mortgage broker and his dog tries to phone every 2 mins to sort it out, whilst clients sob in waiting room and I get bothered every 1.5 mins to try and sort it out just as the Office Manager turns up with a couple of blokes with a trolley to move me and my 500 files to my new office - I make a few aggressive calls and then unhook my phone and allow my working life to be transported.

3rd - patronising irritating Southern estate agent leaves the 28th message of the day - no! It's not exchanged! The file is somewhere in that pile! The filing cabinet in which it belongs is somewhere in that room - the secretary who is responsible for filing said file in said filing cabinet is fetching a cheque from former major lender for former major client!

I plug my phone in and listen to my voicemail - "Your Message Box is full - you should delete some messages". They don't give me an option to delete all the flipping messages without listening to them so I listen to 30! I want the following options added to my service:-

1. To delete a whingeing client, Press 1

2. to delete Reception calling you to tell you you have a whingeing client, press 2

3. To delete Reception, press 3

4. To change career and be redirected to Tesco, press 4

5. When you have lost the will to live, Press 5!

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