The Cat, Rat and Fused Light Fright ( a true story)
'Twas the night after Christmas, darkness still reigned
Little Sister heard noises, high-pitched, strange and pained
She lay in her guest bed, alert in a trice
What was it? A parrot? Cyber-pet? Mice?
With horror she saw near the door by the mat
Nigel the Cat in battle with Rat
Panicked, she acted, the first thing that gripped her
Aaaarggh! Oh my God! Call Fearless Sister!
Magnificent in boots and tucked-in pyjamas
Fearless Sister strode down with frying-pan armour
But just as she trod the penultimate stair
Nearly-Dead Rat gave Fearless Sister a scare.
Blood-curdling screams stretched from Thealby to Flixborough
Whilst Very-Alive Rat dashed behind living room fixture.
Rationale out the window, now Shit-Scared Sibling
Dialled 999, hysterical, blithering:
"We don't do animals, unless they're alight"
Then Rate-Paying Sister remembered her rights
" Hello. Pest Control? I have a worry
Fucking HUGE Rat - I'd rather you hurry!"
"We've no-one on call for 3 days, love, I'm sorry."
Added words of "husband" and "cope" no assistance
Two girls and small child made plans of resistance.
Escape overrode other thoughts in their heads
As they huddled together- group hug on a bed.
But how? As hostage the doorkeys were held
By Dirty Great Rat beneath living room shelves.
With Courage Supreme into unwelcoming dark lounge
Little Sister ventured, despite threat of rat pounce,
Thoughts for her safety to the back of her mind
Her burning obsession those house keys to find.
Blindly she grabbed them, at last she exhaled.
Too hasty was she, her mission had failed.
What she held in her hands would not get them far
Unless the front door had a lock like the car.
So again she returned to that verminous lair
For their prospects of liberty lay somewhere in there.
She found them, she used them, fled back to her bed,
Her pants faintly smelly, palms sweaty, face red.
Then in came Step Father, with torch and a spade
To brighten the shadows the broken light made
But all that he found were cobwebs, cat spew
Where was That Rat? Not one of them knew.
Enter Graeme, a neighbour, a stranger to all
Introductions were brief and done in the Hall.
"Have a weapon! Be Careful!" Hostess gave him her Pan
Then she turned in her boots and pyjamas, and ran.
Some pulling, some pushing, fall of kitchen utensil
That Ugly Rat's skull snapped like lead in weak pencil.
Stunned, still twitching, it was finally taken
Outdoors, where by shovel, 'twas dispatched on the pavement.
Their agony over, recalling those squeaks
Both Sisters were able to dine out for weeks.
Thanks to Fronty and his pet possums for reminding me of this
Little Sister heard noises, high-pitched, strange and pained
She lay in her guest bed, alert in a trice
What was it? A parrot? Cyber-pet? Mice?
With horror she saw near the door by the mat
Nigel the Cat in battle with Rat
Panicked, she acted, the first thing that gripped her
Aaaarggh! Oh my God! Call Fearless Sister!
Magnificent in boots and tucked-in pyjamas
Fearless Sister strode down with frying-pan armour
But just as she trod the penultimate stair
Nearly-Dead Rat gave Fearless Sister a scare.
Blood-curdling screams stretched from Thealby to Flixborough
Whilst Very-Alive Rat dashed behind living room fixture.
Rationale out the window, now Shit-Scared Sibling
Dialled 999, hysterical, blithering:
"We don't do animals, unless they're alight"
Then Rate-Paying Sister remembered her rights
" Hello. Pest Control? I have a worry
Fucking HUGE Rat - I'd rather you hurry!"
"We've no-one on call for 3 days, love, I'm sorry."
Added words of "husband" and "cope" no assistance
Two girls and small child made plans of resistance.
Escape overrode other thoughts in their heads
As they huddled together- group hug on a bed.
But how? As hostage the doorkeys were held
By Dirty Great Rat beneath living room shelves.
With Courage Supreme into unwelcoming dark lounge
Little Sister ventured, despite threat of rat pounce,
Thoughts for her safety to the back of her mind
Her burning obsession those house keys to find.
Blindly she grabbed them, at last she exhaled.
Too hasty was she, her mission had failed.
What she held in her hands would not get them far
Unless the front door had a lock like the car.
So again she returned to that verminous lair
For their prospects of liberty lay somewhere in there.
She found them, she used them, fled back to her bed,
Her pants faintly smelly, palms sweaty, face red.
Then in came Step Father, with torch and a spade
To brighten the shadows the broken light made
But all that he found were cobwebs, cat spew
Where was That Rat? Not one of them knew.
Enter Graeme, a neighbour, a stranger to all
Introductions were brief and done in the Hall.
"Have a weapon! Be Careful!" Hostess gave him her Pan
Then she turned in her boots and pyjamas, and ran.
Some pulling, some pushing, fall of kitchen utensil
That Ugly Rat's skull snapped like lead in weak pencil.
Stunned, still twitching, it was finally taken
Outdoors, where by shovel, 'twas dispatched on the pavement.
Their agony over, recalling those squeaks
Both Sisters were able to dine out for weeks.
Thanks to Fronty and his pet possums for reminding me of this
posted by Cherrypie at 12:56 am
6 Comments:
Cherrypie,
I am so awed by your talent! Really loved the line
"Her pants faintly smelly, palms sweaty, face red"
YOU are an artiste!
There once was a woman north of Watford
Who tried to give a rat the what for'
Whose frying pan shone,
Til she came undone (apologies to The Guess Who),
And the neighbor had to send the rat out on a backboard.
udxabshg - drunken proposition
Wanna hunt possum sometime? :B^D
QM - it was FUCKING HUGE! Nigel was only a little tabby. It was no mean feat that he'd caught it, brought it through the cat flap and dragged it all the way through the house already!
Carmentza - sometimes the raw materials are just put right under your nose.
FE - I think I might have to pass on that, but thank you for suggesting it all the same.
By the way, I kept wondering why you wrote BAD after some of your comments, wasn't sure whether it was a Michael Jackson Defence League from the Deep South, you know, the sort that supports all good white boys, or a grade that you were giving to the posts or individual comments. I've only just realised it's a smiley face. Doh!
twuabp - large brass instrument, only found in the West Indies, made from the.....
I read your wonderful poem with my feet off of the ground.
Why do bloody cats always have to show off their bloody prizes!
Gawd I hate rats, I should move to Alberta where they have eradicated rats using chemical warfare.
We get mice every fall. I have to lay out sticky traps and then execute them and scrub the floors for weeks.eewww!
The worst incident was catching 3 mice in a plastic bag hanging from a beam in the basement. They had climbed down into the bag to munch on the poison pellets (which they adore and are obviously immune to thank you very little natural selection)and I nearly had a heart attack when the bag moved as I walked past. AAAAHH!
Apparently a ratter or terrier is the best defense. The exterminator told me that he visits homes with as many as three cats where mice roam freely.
Fat lazy cats are too clogged with hairballs to hunt and the mice love cat food. The single minded ratter however will chew through live electric cables during a nuclear explosion to annihilate a mouse. RRRrrrrrRRRRrrrrRRR!
Thanks for sharing that, HE x
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