Wednesday, June 07, 2006

Warning! Women of A Certain Age Only

The content of this post will not appeal to any persons of a male, squeamish or sensitive persuasion. Please take careful heed of the signposts conscientiously deployed along the path. No liability is admitted to any persons failing to take appropriate avoidance procedures. Be warned. Be afraid. Be patient, usual service will be resumed shortly.

  1. Are you female? If so, go immediately to Q. 4. If not, please continue to the next question
  2. Are you male? If so go here, here or here. DO NOT COME BACK HERE! If not, please continue to the next question
  3. Are you undecided? Go here, resume questionairre at Q. 4 if Profile suggests surgery. If not, please go back to your own planet or contact our leader here
  4. Are you under the age of 25? If so, go here. Do not return to this page for at least another 10 years. If over the age of 25, you may continue to Q.5
  5. Are you of a nervous, squeamish or over-sensitive disposition? If so, go here
  6. If you have answered YES to all the relevant questions please scroll down to access today's post whilst carefully navigating the Lift Music ( note, proper Music, not inferior Musak)) which was required to provide sufficient seperation from those not qualified to view the content of this post

Geez! Did you ever have one of those Periods where you felt like you were haemorraging your own liver?


Blogger Pamela said...

Why yes, yes I have Cherry. It's not pleasant, is it? You wonder how you can live and lose all that blood. I've had my uterus cauterized to try and stop this from happening. It did nothing except cause me pain.

Sorry you're going through this. I've always maintained that there ought to be an OFF button on our bodies when we're done with the childbearing thing. It's a design flaw. I wonder who I should speak to about that? ::waits for lightening bolt:::

1:20 am  
Blogger Melora said...

Oh dear. Not lately, but I do remember being convinced that I was hemorraging soon after T. was born. I wasn't, but just thinking of it makes me woozy. B.T.W., I watched that Entire video, waiting for something interesting to happen, before it ended and I realized that the rest of your post was beneath. I should read more carefully.
Feel better!

3:09 am  
Blogger Vicus Scurra said...

Surely, it can't be as bad as a Chaka Khan video?

6:59 am  
Blogger tom909 said...

Vicus, just a bit of advice from one who knows. It's not a good idea to make jokes about it - they don't go down too well. But that is quite funnt isn't it.

8:28 am  
Blogger tom909 said...

By the way, down here in Devon we use the word 'funnt' a lot. It means anything funny about women's periods.

8:30 am  
Blogger Kate said...

Poor you, that's really crap! A hot water bottle helps if you have any pain.

Tom and Vicus, you should have left at question 2, you naughty boys.

10:40 am  
Blogger Vicus Scurra said...

Kate - Tom and I are real men. We do not take kindly to being ordered about by stroppy hormonal females. At least, that is what Tom told me to say.

12:08 pm  
Blogger tom909 said...

For God's sake Vicus, this is a sensitive time. Funnt jokes can bomb real bad! You should just back off for seven or eight days, then you'll be batting on a safer wicket.

12:46 pm  
Blogger homo escapeons said...

Like a good little boy I went to the first link as ordered and never left...what were the other ones all about anyway?

2:14 pm  
Blogger Anna said...

Ah, the joys of the Depo Provera contraceptive injection!

No forgetting take pills every day, no worrying if you have a tummy upset, no having to calculate whether you'll be on during your summer holiday and should you take the next pack straight after this one to stop it...

...and best of all, (for me anyway) NO PERIODS!

I hate the bloody things, no pun intended.

Apparently during the whole period, you only lose about a cupful of blood, even though you can wake up some mornings and it looks like someone's slaughtered a pig in your bed.

3:21 pm  
Blogger Carmenzta said...

Ms. Pie,

I can relate even though I'm currently de-hormonizing and therefore no longer having those problems. Now I have others...

I don't think men should be allowed in this comments section, especially funnt men. Tom and Vicus, you should know better than to play with fire.

aycxhgr - How you say "achoo" in Papua New Guinea

6:17 pm  
Blogger Pete said...

given i'm seeing you in three days - deep sympathy. She'd either chuck me off the boat or push me off bempton cliffs.

there was no way I wasn't reading to the end.

6:24 pm  
Blogger Cherrypie said...

Pamela - I shall try to avoid cauterization for as long as possible.

Melora - I'm so sorry. You are a patient and trusting soul who deserves better x

Vicus - I could have chosen Whitney Houston. That would have been far worse.

12:35 am  
Blogger Cherrypie said...

Tom - you have a wonderful sense of self-preservation, you funnt old thing x

Kate - my hot water bottle isn't really up to the job. Not since I stabbed it in a frenzied attack last month.

Tom, Vicus - fortunately for you my current hormonal imbalance is tending towards the slightly weepy rather than stroppy which I save for estate agents and financial call centres.

12:40 am  
Blogger Cherrypie said...

Scapey - I can't remember. Short term memory loss is another side effect of raging oestrogen.

Anna - when you realise that the last time you remember having sex the Twin Towers were still standing, it's bad enough having to endure the pain every month without the relief that not being pregnant brings - to be medically incapable of conceiving and still not getting any action would be just too cruel! Thanks for the tip though, if not the rather too graphic information.

12:46 am  
Blogger Cherrypie said...

Carmentza - have you any idea how to say " Are you married?" in Papuan New Guinean. I'd rather fancy an exotic boyfriend ( and I believe they like their women large)

Pete - you are right to be cautious. How else am I going to get to meet the men in rubber dungarees?

koeiohnr - Indian restaurant in Aberystwyth

12:50 am  
Blogger CeCe said...

yes, I have felt that way... and I have to say that the ONLY thing (besides the prize at the end) that's good about being pregnant is the lack of monthly visits from Aunt Flo!

4:58 am  
Blogger Frontier Editor said...

Vicus, Tom and I are merley demonstrating the total lack of fearlessness that made God, glory and empire possible across all the globe's time zones. Well, at least when we aren't fighting last-ditch stands against indigenous peoples, getting cannibalized like Michael Rockefeller or serving as head of the Provisional Authority in Iraq.

Right Vicus and Tom? Vicus? Tom? Vicus? Tom?

5:07 am  
Blogger Vicus Scurra said...

Damn right, FE. (That is, if that's OK with you, CP?)

7:09 am  
Blogger tom909 said...

Cherrypie, on a more serious note, I'm with you all the way on this one babe. My missus has a fucking terrible time every month so I know it's not at all funnt.

8:12 am  
Blogger Kate said...

"Kate - Tom and I are real men. We do not take kindly to being ordered about by stroppy hormonal females. At least, that is what Tom told me to say."

Stroppy, hormonal! Ooh that's fighting talk :-)

Cherrypie - the dog buried my hot water bottle somewhere in the garden, I think the way it wobbled freaked him out.

10:18 am  
Blogger digi-birder said...

I remember the hot water bottles well. And having to take the strongest pain killers on the planet. And the slaughtered pig stuff.

Just have a hysterectomy. Best thing I ever did. And you get three months off work!!

10:50 am  
Blogger Quietman said...

Ok, this is excellent news. By my reckoning I'm not going to be dealing with a homicidal maniac at the end of the month. However, this probably isn't the best time to admit that I'm struggling a bit with accommodation and we're currently going to be sleeping in the car, so I won't mention it.
I'm afraid to click on any of these links, are they all work friendly?

12:36 pm  
Blogger Cherrypie said...

CeCe - enjoy every minute of little Lillie

Fronty, Tom and Vicus "Mr. Darcy" Scurra - I'm liking the pheremones immensely

Kate - is it that for that very reason I no longer have a dog. The sight of my bare middrift had a similar effect. It became altogether tiresome.

Digi - that sounds more effective than Pamela's cauterization but is a far more terrifying prospect.


( they are all quite benign - I toyed with linking to The Hun but there was just the slightest chance that Jack might stumble in here and I didn't want to make it comfortable and familiar enough for him to want to stay for long).

1:14 pm  
Blogger Cherrypie said...

Kate - in fact, IT IS for that reason. I don't know why I expected you to know the answer to that.

1:15 pm  
Blogger homo escapeons said...

Vertebrates are formed as females and males are therefore mutants so to speak. Our species would not have made it if it was the men who experienced the internal torture of the mense.

If males had PMS the entire world would have been incinerated long ago and the Earth would have looked as barren as the moon.

2:40 pm  
Blogger Joyce said...

I don't know what was more fun- the post, or the comments!
DO NOT take the depo provera advice. That evil injection reeked havoc on my mind and body. I repeat-- DO NOT!

3:00 pm  
Blogger tom909 said...

Oh come on girls, you can't live with us and you can't live without us. We just don't know where we stand anymore.
By the way, I'm all in favour of woman ruling the world. I kind of like the West Indian model, you know, where we stand around enjoying ourselves all day (I guess in the 21st century that would be, sit around blogging all day) while you do all the work, only because you're so obviously better at it than we are. Then every now and again when we get horny, we drop by for a night to carry on the species.

3:19 pm  
Blogger Carmenzta said...

CP: Those Papuan New Guineans have to like big women, have you seen those penis sheaths they wear?

Tom: That arrangement suits me fine as long as you bring flowers when you drop in, or pay the rent or take the garbage out.

weunvii: After "Vini, vidi, vici," we unviied.

4:11 pm  
Blogger tom909 said...

See there you go! I'm not even through the door and you've written a list.

4:27 pm  
Blogger Pamela said...

Poor Cherry. Men don't follow directions too well, do they? I thought perhaps that was just an American Male thing, but apparently not. :grin:

I've alwayws said, there should be an OFF button on us somewhere for these things.

4:57 am  
Blogger Martha said...

Period pause is the only good thing about pregnancy.

7:26 am  
Blogger cream said...

Cherrybabe, I can't believe I ended you at B&Q instead of choosing NUTS or the World Cup!

What a great post!

10:58 am  
Blogger Frontier Editor said...

I just looked back and saw I'd written ". . . . total lack of fearlessness . . ."

I'm a git. I meant "total fearlessness." But after reading subsequent posts, maybe I really meant "total idiocy."

3:52 pm  
Blogger Cherrypie said...

HE - if men had them, they'd have found a cure or brought in 3-week month legislation

Jpyce - I didn't recognise you in your bikini. Very, erm, fetching.

5:35 pm  
Blogger Cherrypie said...

Tom - I'm not sure it's just a West Indian cultural thing. I'm told that is now a compulsory part of MARRIAGE.

uxlfisax - instrument of the woodwind family, usually but not always smaller than an alto sax, made from the genital sheaths of Papua New Guineans

5:38 pm  
Blogger Cherrypie said...

Martha - hello. At last, some Southern Hemisphere sense

Cream - that's what got you to the bottom of this post too - you boys never know when to stop looking for something better - thanks though - I'm flattered really

Fronty - it makes about the same amount of sense to me whichever phrase you choose to use

vcquujk - suction tool to carefully remove the sheaths of Papua New Guineans

5:44 pm  
Blogger andrea said...

I thought I said something pithy and clever here but clearly it got sucked into the Blogger toilet from hell. Oh well.

2:28 am  
Blogger Brian the Mennonite said...

You'd get top marks in my class for the amount of research for such a small post. Well done. Sorry, can't relate...but I did find something to think about at the first link. Thanks.

5:22 pm  
Blogger Cherrypie said...

Do you know, Andrea, I thought you'd left a very witty comment too but it looks like Blogger's gobbled it. There seem to have been a few problems lately. It's happened to me a few times.

Thanks, Brian. I've always been a bit of a swot and teacher's pet x

5:48 pm  

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