Tuesday, December 19, 2006

Potentially Prodigal

I realise I have been conspicuous in my absence. I wish I could say that I had also been promiscuous in it but somethings never change. The same karmic energies which ensured that my virtue remained in tact with the aid of a delayed text message a few months ago have subsequently enlisted the support of a seized engine ( his, not mine), two cold sores ( his again) and a cancelled office party ( his wife's).

Confident in the knowledge that an illicit affair is not meant to be, I am having no hesitation in conducting a virtual one, mainly in my own head ( which is where I've had some of my best relationships). I get all the thrills of anticipation and male attention, indulge in profuse preening ( or should that be pruning? I occasionally take advantage of the cold, dark opaque tight-wearing days and let my leg-shaving lapse a bit), lay in luxuriously high weave-count cotton sheets without any of the worry of wet patches. Perfect!

The only downside is that I still have to suffer flipping stomach cramps every month without any relief. Forget paracetamol, feminax, hot water bottles or chocolate. The only effective method of making period pains bearable, maybe even welcome, is the joy of knowing you're not pregnant. After almost 5 years ( not counting Bank Holiday '05 as I'd like to forget it even if I could remember it), the anaesthetic is starting to wear off.

21 Comments:

Blogger Dave said...

My professional advice would have to be to avoid illicit affairs, unless you want to burn in the fires of hell for all eternity.*

Stick to licit ones, or even better (at least until after Boxing Day boozing is past) virtual ones.


*This is not my normal preaching style, you understand, but I feel you need a talking-to. Nearly said 'seeing-to' there, but that might be misunderstood.

8:53 pm  
Blogger Stegbeetle said...

Hmm. His engine seized, he has cold sores and his partner's party was cancelled.

Without appearing too cynical (I know what men are like - being one!) do I detect a pattern developing here?

8:55 pm  
Blogger Pete said...

frankly it ain't worth the heartache

9:48 pm  
Blogger andrea said...

Naproxen + Tylenol with codeine works for me! Can't tell you how many years it took me to get the cocktail right. 'Course the not being pregnant thing helps too! :)

11:11 pm  
Blogger Ces said...

Oh Cherry Pie, I know exactly what you are talking about! That is why I reacted with great dismay one day when Pete so confidently declared that God was a man and God reminded women every month.

High weave count sheets, they are the best.I'd choose 1000-ply over a man, any time!!!

11:24 pm  
Blogger kj said...

oh geez, cp, this is explicit! i'm not sure these guys can handle all this information, though i'm sure they pretend to.

i likewise advise to can the illicit affairs. dave is right. but the virtual ones: my favorite kind. go at it, girl.

:)

12:56 am  
Blogger Within Without said...

KJ:

What information?

And by information all "these guys" couldn't handle, did you mean guys as in guys, or guys as in "guys?"

Cherrypie, all illicit affairs are better conducted in the mind anyhow. It's safer, though less exciting, that way.

As far as your flipping stomach cramps, well I can't handle that.

3:33 am  
Blogger Cream said...

Every now and then I HAVE A PERIOD when I can't be bothered with anything...
This is one of them!
Virtual, real, what the hell, Cherrybabe, go and have it! You've only got one person to answer to: You.

1:13 pm  
Blogger The Tart said...

Cherry ... you speak volumes here! All true & quite relatable, missy.

Nothing wrong with a little virtual tango, natch! The mind is a better stage than having your feet on the ground, for sure. (Sorry, I've had too much magic lately.)

Smooch,
The Tart
; *

2:01 pm  
Blogger Homo Escapeons said...

I am staring at the PERIODIC table of the elements and I know that you are low in Fe(Iron)
but what your body really needs is some Au(Gold) with some compressed C(Carbon),
but even a little Zr(Zirconium),
Ag(Silver) or the latest
Ti(Titanium) would help to 'Dysposium' (Dy) of the winter blues!.

2:41 pm  
Blogger dmmgmfm said...

Massive quantities of Ibuprofin did the trick for me. Start with 800 mg and take another 200-400 mg every two hours for the duration. You will be amazed!

6:02 pm  
Blogger Cherrypie said...

Dave - Hallelujah to that

Steg - I edited out the time I refused to take the afternoon off work when I had very little excuse not to, or the time I was in Norfolk, Sheffield, Huddersfield or at our home ground watching a match. There is a pattern. We both make excuses and hope neither will call each others bluff

Pete - no, of course it isn't, but it's great fun fantasising about it

8:54 pm  
Blogger Cherrypie said...

Andrea - so that's how you do your more colourful work

Ces - or should I say, Sister. Pete often provokes that kind of reaction. It's how he gets his kicks.

KJ - I tried warnings on a previous post but the blokes paid no heed so I thought I'd just let them take their chances this time

WW - what do you mean less exciting? You were magnificent last night ;)

Cream - I always suspected you were in touch with your feminine side, but I never appreciated quite how much xxx

Hi, Sweet Tart. You are right as ever. And you're always magical x

HE - yep! a little blue box marked 'Tiffany' would cure everything

Dmmgmfm - hello - I've never had a comment from a drum solo before but I rather like it. Your recipe sounds like just the thing to wash down with a glass or two of hard liquor.

9:01 pm  
Blogger Pete said...

CP nothing wrong with fantasing CP. if there is I'm in BIG trouble

Pete goes for lie down

9:32 pm  
Blogger Cherrypie said...

Pete! Is that a CIGARETTE you're smoking? ;0

9:48 pm  
Blogger Menchie said...

If I had a peso for the virtual affairs I've had in my mind, I would be rich.

Fortunately, there's no limit so you go, CP!

3:03 am  
Blogger Within Without said...

It WAS a hoot, wasn't it?

4:38 am  
Blogger digi-birder said...

I could never get the painkillers sorted - failed every time. Now I always recommend my method of killing the monthly pains - hysterectomy. Best thing I ever did, well....almost.

And I agree with those who say don't be tempted by the affair malarky - stick to fantasy. You might get a very angry, emotional cheated woman coming after you.

12:16 pm  
Blogger ziggi said...

CP - I think you should do what makes you happy and feels right.
Life is very short and you only get one go (that you know of anyway). You're a long time dead, so make hay while the sun shines.

I find a mixture of 400mg brufen and 500mg co-codamol usually do the trick - washed sown with a large G&T even better!

6:12 pm  
Blogger ziggi said...

hmmmmmm - fingers missing their mark me thinks . . .

'does' the trick
and
washed 'down'

does that make more sense?

x

6:14 pm  
Anonymous kyknoord said...

Intact virtue. Phooey! Yeah, you heard me. Phooey!!

6:48 pm  

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