Thursday, December 07, 2006

On the Seventh Day

God rested proving conclusively that God was/is a man. Were it otherwise, God would have been far too busy making sure the firmaments which were above the sea looked good from every angle, tweaking the power of the sun and the moon to create mood lighting, selecting the best of the fish and beasts and preparing them in a tangy marinade of plants yielding seed and fruit from trees for supper, ironing a tablecloth and making a pretty floral centrepiece for the table with some supermarket-bought roses and a couple of sprigs of holly clipped from the neighbour's bush and running the hoover around Africa to pick all the sand that he'd trailed in along with the shopping.

Of course, God wasn't a single parent* at this stage so he didn't have to hold down a second job in order to provide presents for the Christmas table. Christmas had not been invented by this time, but that's beside the point. He didn't have to attend Parents Evening on his own every year, sit through numerous Carol Concerts, wear a silly hat and pretend to enjoy the works' party whilst avoiding Frank from Accounts, or invite his mother and step-father round for drinks before they departed for a month in Spain.

Leg-shaving, eyebrow-plucking, toenail-painting, hair-colouring and lipliner were things he never worried about other than to spend some of his idle resting time thinking up ever more ridiculous characteristics for his nucleic Eve idea.

And if that doesn't convince you that God was a man, who else would have come up with the idea of breasts?

* The CSA might have bought the omnipresent argument but to me, he was an absent father.


Blogger Dave said...

'He didn't have to attend Parents Evening on his own every year, sit through numerous Carol Concerts...'

But how many carol concerts do you think he has to listen to now? And being omniscient and omnipresent, and outside time, and all that, he was enduring all those nativity plays - even the ones that haven't yet happened - even as he created the world.

As for women, that just proves God has a sense of humour.

6:48 pm  
Blogger Caroline said...

I was with you right up until the breast thing. I love breasts. Surely if God was a man he would want everyone to be equal and would not of given us such great assets? Breasts are fabulous. They make us soooooo much better then men!


7:11 pm  
Blogger Ces said...

Hahahahaha! I cannot help it. This post makes me crack up. I was going to write this lengthy comment about how the world would have been better if God was a woman, but then again, I am thinking about the other female things that you did not even mention that would make men really fear God.

I'm with Caroline on the breast thing. I think they are very cool especially if they are supported by a sexy bra.

9:28 pm  
Blogger homo escapeons said...

Woohoo! I third the breast thing!
My superfluous nipples are a waste of amino acids. A relic of our genetic journey since all vertebrates are initially formed as females.
Human breasts were deliciously developed for adult male humans. The other large primates do not require extended versions to suckle their young....
ok this is ruining my vibe.
Woohoo for breasts!

10:08 pm  
Blogger Within Without said...

Oh, lovely Cherrypie, you are just too much. The soliloquistic rambling is just so full of rampant exciting and funny thoughts, it's hard to know how to respond to it.

I buy your argument that God must be a man for both your opening rationale and (no offence Caroline) surely for your final clinching argument on His behalf, his truly momentous and clearly intelligent invention of breasts for women.

I don't even need now to explain why, seeing as Caroline and Ces have already more or less done that.

I make no bones about the fact that women's breasts are beautiful things...without a doubt invented by a male supreme being who knew men would find them irresistible.

Doh! No offence.

Homo Escapeons has just phoned me about visiting tonight and says he has blogged about Nigella!

(CP, you are an absolute hoot and so much fun to're a doll).

10:09 pm  
Blogger Cream said...

I fourth that!
I'm sure God only meant them for feeding babies...
But I totally support beautiful breasts!

10:15 pm  
Blogger Seany said...

Need I say anything other than "fifth"?

10:26 pm  
Blogger andrea said...

On a related topic, you know what I've been observing chez nous? Every male in this household (3) takes showers that are twice as long as mine and none of them shave their legs or condition masses of long hair whilst in there. What the heck are they doing? (I thought I knew since my sons are 14 and 12 -- so what's my husban's excuse??)

10:47 pm  
Blogger Pamela said...

Andrea, you are SO right! The males in my life, who all have MUCH less hair and other items that need taking care of in the shower, are responsible for draining the hot water heater. It'a amszing to me and some day I just need to find out what exactly is going on in there.

Great post Cherry!! I agree. God is a male.

12:15 am  
Blogger Within Without said...

Andrea et al:

This is no mystery. Clearly, males think better when they have hot water flowing over their body.

Seeing as they get cold water thrown upon them and their ideas at all other times, often by women.

**Runs away and hides**

12:39 am  
Anonymous Tattieheid said...

Wonderful post

But god's not so daft -

Man says to God: “God, why did you make woman so beautiful?”
God says: “So you would love her.”
“But God,” the man says, “why did you make her so dumb?”
God says: “So she would love you.”

*Ducks and runs!*

12:46 am  
Blogger Keshi said...

haha loved it!

**And if that doesn't convince you that God was a man, who else would have come up with the idea of breasts?

:) true. And breasts can even make men commit. LOL!


4:09 am  
Blogger Joyce said...

Yeah, amazingly creative, wasn't that? I think I'll go with Caroline. Breasts were a well thought of creation. Practical, lightweight, attractive.... something for everyone, really...

5:00 am  
Blogger kj said...

i can't believe i'm speechless! my answer would be too complicated....

7:43 am  
Blogger LuvlyLittleSister said...

Fantastic, Cherrypie! Well, with regards to breasts, I think God must love me or my husband because lightweight they certainly are not!

1:50 pm  
Blogger Pete said...

the fact god is a man is blatantly obvious and proved to you girlies once a month....

2:38 pm  
Blogger Ces said...

Oh Pete, come here darlin' so I can hurt you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Come here, don't be afraid.....

4:07 pm  
Blogger kj said...

pete: my advice:take steps to protect yourself. you could end up a changed man.....

9:28 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

And your problem with breasts is? :-)

fyi, blogger is being ornery and not letting me log in properly. This is me:

5:40 pm  

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