I'm starting to appreciate the mania which overtakes people when they decide to buy a house. I sensibly checked out my attractiveness to lenders before wading in head first with a pie-in-the-sky offer on my perfect property. With my track record of rejection, you can understand my hesitancy.

Anyways, turns out my extra poundage ( and lack of readies) isn't as off-putting to the mass market as I assumed, so I decided to book a second viewing of My House. Some have-a-go buyer had only put an offer in already! Above the asking price too! Some people have no appreciation of the etiquette of good house purchasing.

I remained remarkably calm and only called the estate agent back once to remind her of my incredible desirability ( as a first time-buyer with no irritating chain) and the disservice she'd be doing the seller if she didn't give him the opportunity to sell his purpose-built gym to one of Engalnd's up and coming future hereos. It worked - Jack, Dawn & I enjoyed a private viewing with Bernard, the Host with a Chest to Boast.

I'm going to call the agents first thing in the morning to put in an offer including carpets, curtains and Japanese Akita. May even ask the seller to stay on as Handy Man.

So decisions made, I headed off to the weekend delights of Blacktoft Sands, signed myself up to the RSPB ( sexy bloke in hut helped), booked a room in a rather extravagant Roman hotel and then spent the next few hours tearing strips off Rachel's bedroom. That done I picked up Jack who was sedately walking the dog with Boo - complete with beige cardy, and came back to a clutter and dust-free home to chill.

Early night is a must to ensure an early start with the house-buying.