Sunday, May 02, 2004

I finally did it! Got off the sofa, threw on some clothes (not my first choice but they were in the wash) and went to meet a man! A proper, real, living, breathing man!

I was really nervous - much more so than before an exam - I sail through those and the examiner never cares how huge your arse is! I spent ages faffing about and running backwards and forwards to the loo - CM was getting really frustrated 'cos he wanted dropping off at his mates, and I couldn't tell him where I was going! After I'd looked in the mirror for the 20th time he finally screamed "For Goodness sake, you look beautiful and you're only going to the flipping office!"

We'd arranged to meet at a tourist attraction close to my office. I parked the car in my usual spot and had a quick chat with Ian, the car park attendant, just in case the police needed to piece together a re-enactment for Crimewatch if the softly spoken Scot I'd chatted to on the phone turned out to be Hannibal Lect(ur)er.

I walked over the newly opened footbridge, audibly convincing myself to calm down, take a breath and get a grip. What was the worst that could happen? Well, I suppose he could enjoy the Chianti without sharing it!

I spotted him fairly quickly, his back was turned to me, but I recognised the purple shirt - not too many of those around in Hull - and the salt with a sprinkling of pepper hair. I think he spotted me pretty quickly too. I could feel myself blushing from my toes. How I managed to walk down those steps without my legs, which had turned to blancmange, giving way, I do not know.

Anyway, a very ambulatory afternoon ensued - there were no thunderbolts and I was quite relieved that he didn't dive straight into the Humber! I couldn't think of a single witty thing to say, so I didn't - I was more concerned with the fact that my new Spring collection cotton skirt was rapidly riding up my thighs on my tights.

The actuality of meeting a man was not as daunting as I had imagined but that probably had more to do with him being polite and not fancying me in the slightest. Meant that my jiggly bits were in no imminent threat of discovery.

Went home feeling quite calm and relieved but my PC wasn't playing, all my friends were, but with other people, so I naturally had a glass of wine, and another, and before I knew it I was breaking the rules and texting - not my proudest hour - and that is why, my friends, I promise to you that when elected I will introduce compulsory breathalysers on all technological equipment!

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